The In Between 


“Be positive”, “Positivity is key”, “Things get better when you stay positive”

Okay, but what about the journey to being more positive? What about the daily struggles it takes to get there? The in between. Let’s be honest, it’s not always the easiest to do. A lot of us might have different circumstances that hold us back from trying to get to that space. Mentally, you may not be able to just flip a switch and “be positive”. Physically, you might have a handful of obstacles you’re trying to face. 

Personally speaking, it’s been difficult for me to do. I know, from my last post I’ve made it clear about my depression. But even though I battle that, I was doing decent for a bit and the state of positivity was a bit easier to get to. At this moment and as of lately I find myself having to use tremendous effort just to stay positive for even the shortest amount of time. The circumstances which I’m under seem to just keep me held down and I’m not sure how to release myself from this unyielding cycle. There is so much I want to do. I’m feeling overwhelmed and dealing with these “circumstances” is only making matters worse. It might not make much sense and sound like I’m all over the place with this, but that’s exactly what it feels like. 

 One thing I’m determined to do is not let this destroy me. At the moment it just feels like I’m cracking from all the stress and pressure but still confined to the same space. It’s like I’m just stuck. Like I’m just running a maze with no way in and no way out. At the end of the day you have to do for yourself what nobody else can do for you. You are your only in and out of most circumstances. I’m learning to be there for myself more and be a bit more time consumed with me. I’m working on myself for the better and it’s taking more than some time. 

I must admit though, writing tends to put me at some ease which is why I figured this might help me a bit. I guess in a way writing was always therapeutic for me. It’s like a process of me coming to multiple realizations and at the same time release my feelings and thoughts, as well as some of the pressure. There’s just something about putting and seeing your feelings in words that can really open your eyes. 

Ultimately, I want to get to how I was a while back. It felt more peaceful. It was more peaceful. I wish I could hold on to that and never let it go. I guess sometimes you just have to take the hard road to get there. 
Disclaimer: I even mention it in my post but I might sound all over the place, I’m in a pretty emotional and weird state of mind, but I’m keeping it raw with you all. That’s the only way I know how to convey myself and my feelings. 

-Tori

On A More Personal Note.


It took me years to figure it out. It took even more years to even open my mouth about it to another person. The struggle and pain of my depression has definitely left an impact on my life and some of the choices I’ve made…or didn’t make. I was around about 14 when I started to think something was wrong with me. Of course I tried to chalk it down to the fact that I was going through puberty and my teenage years but I always knew, something wasn’t right. It was draining and I never felt “normal”. My “home” life definitely didn’t make matters better, just worse. I realized I was falling deeper but still I kept thinking it would be over soon I just needed to give it time. I was obviously wrong. But at the time of those teenage years I didn’t even know what depression really was and didn’t hear about it much. It was a time of confusion and immaturity. 

Years passed, and with them too many horrid days and nights to keep track. I thought it would be never ending. And eventually tried to end it myself on a few occasions. I thought hurting myself would help too but that only left scars. 

I was constantly living in these dark days behind closed doors. But I was fortunate to have a ray of light that unknowingly helped to brighten quite a bit of my days. I became really close with someone who is still my best friend to this day. She opened my eyes to a different world and her family opened their hearts and arms and always made me feel like I belonged. Something I never felt at “home”. Something I never knew. Something I never thought I’d get to experience. For that, I’m forever grateful. 

Through those experiences and that friendship I realized the differences in people’s lives. And I realized I was really battling with something I felt was bigger than me. 

Life after high school wasn’t any better but I definitely got a bit wiser and around my second to third semester of college I started to actually ponder on the thought that I was battling with depression. For quite some while I didn’t want to admit it. I figured to admit it was to throw a label on myself. And I thought if I was to tell anyone and get help then not only would it be me putting the label on myself but everyone else as well. I was embarrassed. I told no one. I felt I could tell no one. Until one day I tried. I spoke to my doctor briefly about it. I can remember vividly that day how scared I was and how much I rehearsed what I would say to her. And how I might finally get some help after suffering for what felt like an eternity. Well like I said we kept it brief and she gave me a number to a place where I could get help. I never went. 

Not too shortly after that my grandpa passed away and I felt like my life and my mental state took an even further nose dive. My gpa dropped and I was put on academic probation, so I decided to leave school. I felt like I could control nothing. 

It’s weird what death can make a person realize. I felt like not only my eyes but my mind opened up after that. I started viewing things differently and I started talking to myself a lot more and coming to realizations I never knew I’d come to. I’ve always been a deep thinker but this was on another level. This is when I started thinking and trying to deal with my depression. Instead of denying it like I had done too many times before I embraced it so I could deal with it. First step of fixing a problem is admitting you have one, right? 

I won’t really touch on my thought processes of those times but I will bring you to my now. I’m 24 years old and yes I still suffer from depression. I realize this is something I’ll probably re encounter throughout my life but I also found I’m able to realize when I’m starting to feel like I’m getting to my “bad space”, and for some reason that tends to help sometimes. I also know I can’t let this stop me from my dreams and goals I want to achieve. I know I’m stronger than this illness and I know I have so much life to live and I won’t let it deter me from that. I may struggle but through all these years the most important thing I’ve come to realize is how much of a fighter I was, am, and always will be. 

I share this to not only to speak on the illness of depression but to be open about my life. I know someone can relate. I know someone is or has gone through similar events. The best part of all this is knowing you aren’t alone. 

– ToriLauraAnn

Do You Think In Nude?

nude clothesTo say you don’t see the ever evolving “nude” trend continuously ongoing in the fashion industry, is to admit maybe, you don’t pay too much attention. But what is it with this particular trend that keeps drawing people in? Is it the well known people who continue to wear this look or could it just be that many actually like the trend ? I think its an obvious answer of, both. But when is it going to end and when will you see a switch for the ever-loving nude trend-wearers?

Nowadays, there are so many people consumed within the social media world and the big celebrities that are seen throughout, that these celebrities seem to rule over a lot of peoples’ wardrobes and fashion choices. There’s definitely a difference between someone who is just wearing the trend to be trendy and then there are those who worship the grounds and looks of the more famous, who will literally copy a look down to the “T”. But, when does it become too much?

Well, for a person like me I’ve definitely had my fill. Although it can be a classic idea and we will always have those nude pieces that will never get old, I’m definitely missing the world of more color and funk. I don’t just see life in “nude”, which is why I have decided to start this blog and instead of just thinking of the “issue” at hand I want to be a solution, not just for the nude trend but in general. I want to showcase my life experiences along the way but also a lot of my personal style, the way I like to switch up certain trends, and how I would wear certain pieces.

This is just the beginning of my blogging journey however, I’m determined and excited to let the world into my life and give a taste of my own fashion style and how eventually I hope I can influence not just the industry, but the world of fashion itself.

My name is Tori Laura Ann, and welcome to my blog of Life and Fashion.

 

Disclaimer: This blog will not just be about my fashion but also about my life and experiences along the way!